A Growing Darkness
by bluntwriter
Summary: After the deaths of her parents, Lily Evans goes in search of answers. Major setbacks occur at each step and Lily must learn to navigate finding out the truth about her parents, meddlesome friends, and recovering from her own recent trauma. Surprisingly, an added dose of James Potter may be just what Lily needs to keep her sanity in check.


Lily

"Alright, Lily?"

Green eyes, once vibrant, stared blankly at the wall of the small bedroom. Gathering information from her peripheral vision, Lily deduced that the room, while small, was not cozy, or warm, or homey, or any of the things her old room had been. But she'd thought that of every room she'd been in since hearing of her parents' deaths, so maybe her judgement was just off. Obviously the minister was trying to make her comfortable after all she'd been through, and she figured she was probably the only one who thought this bedroom as cold as she did.

Her eyes flickered slightly as she nodded mutely, and, hugging herself, went to sit cross-legged on the full sized bed, which was situated between a nightstand and a floor lamp. A year ago, she might have been more inclined to show the minister gratitude after all that he had done for her. However, now all she felt inclined to do was lay in bed for as long as she could get away with – which, she knew, was not long, as the schoolyear started in less than a week.

For the first time in Lily's life, she dreaded going back to Hogwarts.

The minister had given her letter to her yesterday. In it, beyond the usual list of supplies for the coming year, was a note from Dumbledore, saying that he wished to speak to her after the Welcome Feast. Lily had an idea what this meeting would be about, and she was reluctant to sit through another talk about her summer.

The minister still stood in the door, looking as though he would offer her more words of comfort. Apparently thinking better of it, he began to leave, and as he did, he said, "An auror will be here to escort you to buy your supplies for school at ten tomorrow morning. I ask that you do not leave this room until he arrives. Goodnight, Lily." With a soft _click_ , the man was gone.

Lily grit her teeth. Suddenly, she felt invigorated, no longer tired. She was tired of being treated like she was incompetent, always given an armed guard to follow her around wherever she went. One had even followed her to visit her old home, her parents' old home, which, in the cruelest move possible after her parents' passing, Petunia had sold and left Lily to find out on her own.

 _No longer_ , Lily thought, _will I be treated like a child._ With that thought in mind, she readied herself for bed and fell into a fitful sleep.

When Lily awoke the next morning, it was just past eight. Her stomach rumbled loudly, and she resolved to get breakfast first thing. She still had some leftover money from the job her parents had encouraged her to get the summer before, and the minister had refused to allow her to use it on school supplies, instead offering to have the ministry pay for it. Lily couldn't help thinking that he'd already done enough for her, but he wouldn't hear a word on the subject.

After tidying up and changing her shirt, staying in the jeans she'd worn yesterday and slept in last night, and putting her arms through a witch's robe, Lily picked up her rucksack, which she had placed an Undetectable Extension Charm on, and slipped out the window of the bedroom she'd been given. She'd never been one to break the rules unnecessarily, and it did make her feel rather ungrateful, but damn if she'd be escorted through Diagon Alley by a middle-aged man and run the risk of being seen by familiar faces with an auror by her side. That would spread the rumor that her experiences had somehow weakened her, when they'd done nothing of the sort.

Lily pulled her robe closed and fastened it before rounding the building and coming into the alleyway, where she passed through the brick wall and into her desired destination. They'd had her stay above The Leaky Cauldron after moving her from St. Mungo's, and Lily left it without any idea as to where she'd stay tonight, finding that she didn't much care.

Mostly, she felt angry. She'd had everything taken from her, her freedom included, and as soon as she got it back, they were trying to take it away again. Well, she wasn't going to let them, no matter how good their intentions. As Petunia had said in the letter that had dropped the weight of the world onto Lily's shoulders, Lily was responsible for herself now.

James

When James had heard news of Lily's capture, his heart had stuttered in his chest, and his world had stopped moving. He felt off-kilter, always walking around a little lopsided, a little sloppy, as if she had been the only thing keeping him upright. Everything, for the two months she was gone, missing, felt _wrong_ ; everything felt unjust. How could everyone continue on with their lives as if this was just another casualty of the war, as if the sun hadn't been stolen right out of the sky?

And yet the sun still shone, and that bugged James; it drove him insane with the _wrongness_ of it all.

His dad had pointed out to him that while he understood James had a certain infatuation with Lily, he didn't see the sense in James' reaction. After all, they weren't dating; she didn't even like him. But Sirius had shaken his head, and there had been no other mention of her. The situation wasn't ignored exactly; it just wasn't brought up. James' mum went out of her way trying to cheer him up, Sirius was trying to be sensitive, and James' dad clapped him on the shoulder and mussed his hair more often than he used to. But no one talked about it, and James was quickly losing his mind.

He'd gone out looking for her and managed to stumble upon a Death Eater hideout, one that aurors had been watching for the past year. With the help of his Invisibility Cloak, he'd gotten inside, but before he could do any actual searching, someone had bumped into him, and he'd ended up in a fight against ten Death Eaters. The aurors had stormed inside before any real harm could come to him, and he'd only stayed in St. Mungo's for the rest of the day, but he'd been on house arrest ever since.

One and a half months after the incident, James heard news that was like reaching shore after treading water for three months. And he'd demanded more: "Is she okay? How'd she get away? What did they do to her? Are you sure she's okay? Does she need a place to stay?" Once all of his questions had been answered, James still had one more niggling at the back of his mind: _Will she be returning to school?_

He was terrified she wouldn't. If she didn't go to school, he'd lose his chance with her, and he wouldn't get to verify for himself that she's okay.

School started in four days. It was just as likely that she wouldn't return as it was that she would.

But, James reminded himself, all that mattered now was that she was okay. Until, of course, he heard how she'd escaped.

"James," his father called him into his office, and James knew this was serious. Stiffly, he did as his father beckoned. "James," his father repeated once the two were seated on opposite sides of his desk. "I just heard from a friend at the office how Ms. Evans escaped her captors." Immediately, James sat up straight in his chair, wondering why he was so nervous. He wasn't the nervous type, normally. "She's a talented witch, son." His father watched as pride filled James' expression, warring with nervousness to be the primary emotion displayed on his face. "After two months of mistreatment, she was very malnourished, but it would be a mistake to say she was weak. She broke from her bonds with wandless magic, and smashed the Death Eater standing guard over his head with a metal bowl they'd left after feeding her. After that, she stole his wand and almost managed to sneak out. However, she was noticed, and she battled seven Death Eaters with an unwilling wand. She knocked four unconscious."

"And the other three?"

James felt uneasy at his dad's hesitance. "The other three she killed." His father watched his expression carefully, and James schooled it quickly, ashamed of his first reaction upon hearing the news. "She won't face a trial, as the minister and the auror department are in agreement that she did nothing wrong because she acted in self-defense. However, the men she killed have family members back at Hogwarts who have possible affiliations with Voldemort. She may not be safe at school."

James clenched his hands into fists. Of course she wouldn't catch a break. Of course they'd be after her again, still; of course they'd want her dead. She was the most beautiful woman James had ever seen besides his own mother, with the kindest, most open heart he'd ever known. But she was also strong, and of course they'd want to take that from her. _Well_ , James thought defiantly, protectively, _I won't let them_.

Despite these thoughts, his only verbal response was to ask whether she'd be returning to Hogwarts, considering the threat she faced there.

James' father nodded. "She will, and Dumbledore will offer her the Head Girl position." At the widening of his son's eyes, James' father acknowledged, "Of course, she may turn it down. She has been through a lot in a short time, and no one would blame her for not wanting the extra responsibility. However, she is certainly qualified, and Dumbledore would like for her to make the decision herself."

James nodded. "How do you know this?"

"Because, son," James' father began, a twinkle appearing in his eyes, "Dumbledore wrote me. He plans to offer you the position of Head Boy. He believes that you will be best able to keep an eye on Ms. Evans should she decide to take on the responsibility. More than that, he is confident in your ability to lead the students through this era of growing darkness. He hopes that you will be able to keep spirits up and fear to a minimum."

Shocked as he was, James could barely nod. A lump resided in his throat as he learned of the Headmaster's belief in him; he'd never realized how much the man's approval meant to him until he had it. He only hoped he wouldn't prove him wrong. The thought of failing the kind old man caused a knot of anxiety to grow in his stomach.

Suddenly, a thought struck him. "Who will be Head Girl if Lily says no?"

"Dumbledore didn't mention anyone else in his letter, though I believe that may be because he is confident that she will accept the position."

James' head swam. He hadn't wanted to get his hopes up, but he couldn't help it. He might be working beside Lily Evans this year, his longtime crush, the girl he was utterly infatuated with – or, as his mom would say, _smitten_ with. He would be able to make sure she was okay. Maybe even comfort her. The thought lifted his heart, and as he left his dad's office, he felt happier than he had all summer.

Early the next day, James, having gotten his Hogwarts letter, which included a Head Boy badge and a request from Dumbledore to meet in his office after the Welcoming Feast, strolled through Diagon Alley with Sirius, Remus, and Peter by his side. They were all getting their supplies, but James was also keeping an eye out for dark red hair and bright green eyes. Or maybe he was keeping both eyes out, because he kept managing to run straight into people. After the fourth time he did this, Sirius opened his mouth and teased him loudly: "Doe got your head, Potter?"

James shot him a scathing glance in reply. Ever since they'd studied the Patronus Charm last year and it had been revealed that Lily's matched his, his friends wouldn't let it go and had teased him mercilessly about it. The whole school had gossiped about it for days, but they'd gotten over it eventually, though sometimes James did overhear a stray comment referring to it. The only person who had never acknowledged it was Lily herself. In fact, she'd actively avoided him until the gossip surrounding it had died down.

As the boys passed Olivander's, they noticed the very girl James had been so interested in seeing coming out of the wand shop. With a jolt, James realized just how much weight she'd lost. Her clothes hung from her fragile-looking frame, and James wondered if he'd be able to see her ribs if her torso were bare. With a sinking feeling, he thought he probably could.

Under her eyes – which were bright, as they had always been, but different in a way that James couldn't explain – were dark circles, the kind one gets after too long without restful sleep. Her skin was paler than usual, which was concerning in itself, as the girl was a ginger through and through and normally had very pale skin. Now, however, her skin was nearly translucent.

And still James thought she was beautiful. Her movements were graceful, just as they had always been, her piercing gaze still able to stop his heart and speed it up all at once. She held her head high, stubborn pride dripping from her posture, and in that moment, James knew that she was the strongest person he'd ever known.

But when her eyes landed on him, panic seeped into them. They grew wide, until they narrowed suddenly, and she ducked her head and sped past the four boys, who immediately exchanged looks of worry with each other. Never before had Lily Evans run away from them, or anyone else as far as they knew. James made to follow her, but Remus' hand on his shoulder stopped him.

"I don't think she really wants company right now, Prongs," the scarred boy said softly.

James was torn. "I know, but she looked so scared," he said, uncertain if he wanted Remus to tell him to go or stay. He was concerned for her, but he didn't know what to say to make her feel better. Besides, he knew Remus was right that she didn't seem in the mood for company at the moment. Still, his desire to never see that look in her eyes again, especially directed at him, was pushing him toward going after her.

All he wanted to do was hold her.

"Evans can take care of herself, mate," Sirius agreed with Remus, though he didn't sound as certain as he normally did when making statements. "You'll see her on Monday, anyway. Maybe you can talk to her then."

James had told his friends everything his father had told him, and they had all agreed to make sure Lily never went anywhere alone once school started. They worried for her as James did, partially because what mattered to James mattered to them, and partially because despite their differences, Lily was a very easy person to care for. Remus had figured that out during prefect patrols with the girl, and he now considered her a good friend. James knew that seeing Lily run away from them had hurt him too.

For the first time since seeing Lily, Peter spoke up. "She's alone, though. Shouldn't we be worried that someone will attack her before school starts?"

Realization struck the boys, but before they could do anything, a man in an auror uniform – an acquaintance of James' father – hurried over to them. "Have any of you seen Lily Evans?" he asked. "You go to school with her, right? You know her?"

The boys nodded quickly, and the man breathed a sigh of relief. "You have seen her? Thank Merlin." When the boys frowned confusedly, the man explained. "I was meant to pick her up at ten to escort her to gather her school supplies, but she snuck out before I arrived. Tom alerted me when he saw her leaving alone, and I've been looking for her all morning."

As Sirius pointed the direction she'd gone in, James was once again torn between two emotions. He was proud of her, so damn proud that she was still strong and stubborn and proud, that no Death Eater had taken that from her. However, he was also angry at her for risking her life – again. He'd already almost lost her once before he'd even ever had her because she had been reckless in her anger; he wasn't keen on repeating the experience – or worse, losing her for good this time.

Eventually, his anger won out over his pride, and James stewed. He would have to talk to her on Monday. She couldn't do that to him, not again.


End file.
